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boom winning duh

rather than actually expound any further on charlie sheen’s shenanigans, which now include cnn and howard stern,  i’ll just refer you to the av club’s current update, this moment in charlie sheen.  they did share an apt insight: “this whole charlie sheen business is probably pretty awesome for mel gibson,” which is further emphasized by charlie claiming that mel has recently called him, just to be a pal.

even funnier, the av club (which if you have haven’t realized, i read religiously) hosted a contest for readers to create images of charlie as a fiery first, tiger blooded warlock.  this one is the winner:

created by av club reader casey barteau

i love it.

so charlie’s back, of course, with interviews on good morning america and the today show and promises of more to come, including 20/20.  this time he even brought his own props: index cards listing his questions for chuck lorre and and alcoholics anonymous handbook.

but the big news is that he is now suing cbs!  because at 2 mil an episode, he is underpaid!  supposedly this is to protect his “family,” which the gma interview revealed included not only his 5 kids, but his two new live-in girlfriends, the goddesses, a porn star and a graphic designer/nanny.

apparently cbs’ suspension of his show is a declaration of war: “the war is that they’re trying to destroy my family.  i take great umbrage with that.  defeat is not an option.  they picked a fight with a warlock.

at this point because it’s like ‘psychological distress, oh my god’ it’s 3 mil an episode.  take it or leave it.

come wednesday morning they’re going to rename it charlie bros. not warner bros.  duh. winning!

some q & a:

are you clean right now?: “look at me.  duh.  drug tests don’t lie.

when was the last time you did drugs?: “don’t know, don’t care.  drug tests don’t lie.  scoreboard doesn’t lie

asked if his drug dealers were still in his life, “again i cannot speak about things that, um, that are sort of, you know, i just- that’s really nobody’s business.  i think you know the answer to that, you know.”  yes, charlie, i think we do.

did you turn to alcohol and drugs because you were bored?:  ”no, i did that because they work.

despite the efficacy of drugs and alcohol, he claims he was moved to cure his addiction with his mind because he “got bored.”

are you embarrassed that your kids will read about this in the future?: “god no.  talk about an education.  and they’re like, this, and that’s the guy, and he’s our dad, and we can get all the answers and the truth. wow, winning!

your fans are worried, are you going to od, are you going to die?: “that’s for amateurs.  i’ve always had a plan and i’ve always executed it perfectly.  sometimes i overshoot the mark.

other gems:

i am on a drug.  it’s called charlie sheen.  it’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die.  your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

i woke up.  I decided, you know, i’ve been kicked around, i’ve been criticized, i’ve been the ‘aw shucks’ guy with this bitchin’ rock star life, and i’m just finally gonna completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently.  and defend it violently, through violent hatred.

people misinterpret my passion for anger.

to chuck lorre in regards to his anti-semitic comments, “sorry if i offended you.  i didn’t know you were such a- i didn’t know you were so sensitive.  sorry if i offended you.  i just thought that you know, after you wailin’ on me for 8 years, that i could take a few shots back.  i didn’t know you were going to take your little ball and go home and punish everybody in the process.”

he can’t be honest about the domestic violence accusations against him because he won’t “roll people” and he is “not a rat.”  but all the same, ”i’m extremely old-fashioned, i’m a nobleman, i’m chivalrous.  i believe that chivalry is not dead, it’s just been in a coma for a long time.

about the aa handbook, “it was written for normal people, people that aren’t special, people that don’t have tiger blood and adonis dna.

i’m tired of pretending like i’m not special.  i’m tired of pretending like i’m not bitchin’, total freakin’ rock star from mars, and people can’t figure me out.  they can’t process me.  i don’t expect them to.  you can’t process me with a normal brain.

this will probably be last my batch of quotes post.  i don’t think i can sustain much more interest.  he’s starting to repeat himself.  but i am sincerely grateful for his complete lack of censorship and self-awareness.  also decency.  because this has really lifted my spirits in preparation for what is promising to be a pretty intense month to come, in terms of work and school.  when the going gets rough, i can always come back to these posts, and charlie will put a smile on my face.

i will continue the facebook sheenisms at least until the end of the week.  if a particular quote catches your eye, let me know and i’ll throw it up there for all to appreciate!

EDIT: it’s official- for yesterday and today, this whackadoodle has finally pushed out ol’ baruchel from the “top referrer” title, according to the blog stats.  let’s see if he can hold onto it in the next round!

as promised, today i bring forth a collection of carlos estevez’s views on addiction and alcoholics anonymous.  remember, this and yesterday’s post are all gleaned from one radio interview on the alex jones show that lasted for less than 20 minutes.  amazing.

but i can’t use the word ‘sober’ because that’s a term from ‘those people’, and i have cleansed myself. i just closed my eyes and in a nanosecond i cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease, addiction, and obsession. it’s just, it’s just the work of sissies.

the only thing i’m addicted to right now is winning.

this bootleg cult—you know, arrogantly referred to as ‘alcoholics anonymous’—now supports a 5% success rate. my success rate is 100%. do the math!

they urge you to put down your sword and come join the winners. in 22 years the only ‘winners’ i could locate in their toothless warren were either driving a convertible van or living like trolls under an abandoned bridge.

and one of those stupid mottoes, alex, is ‘don’t be special. be one of us.’ news flash! i am special, and i’ll never be one of you!

i have a disease? bullshit. i cured it with my brain; with my mind. i’m cured. i’m done.

here’s your first pee test. next one goes in your mouth.

oh charlie.  such delightful word vomit!  i choose laughter over sadness at your excess and squandering of the opportunity your father’s success has given you.

and i’m not the only one, at least around here.  according to my blog posts, “gnarlyisms” is a contender against “jay baruchel” in the “top referred search engine terms” category.  and today, “perfect and bitching and winning” made an appearance to boot.

this morning my first “news” item of the day, courtesy of the onion’s av club, just added an extra sparkle: charlie sheen lashes out at chuck lorre, aa, thomas jefferson, and more.

charlie sheen’s been blipping across the newswire for weeks now with his sobriety-challenged nuttiness.  most of them are exactly of the kind of thing coming to your mind right now: getting caught with drugs & hookers, allegations of affairs and domestic abuse, making unannounced public appearances sprinkled with semi-humorous anti-drug comments- regular druggie celeb offenses of the male flavor.

but today?  today the hilarity just got completely surreal.  it just kept going and going, ending with sheen’s sitcom, two and half men, indefinitely suspended.  a sample of the comments in question, all taken from a radio interview on the alex jones show early this morning:

first recurring theme: charlie sheen blows the world’s mind

people are just mystified by this odyssey that refuses to stop calling itself charlie sheen.

i’m tired, i’m just so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and bitching and winning every second and that i’m not perfect and bitching and delivering the goods at every turn. look at what i’m dealing with here, man, i’m dealing with fools and trolls, i’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because i don’t have time for these clowns.  i don’t have time for their judgment and stupidity.

they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and they look at their loser lives and then the look at me and they say ‘i can’t process it’.  well no, and you never will, stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show.

i’ve got magic.  i’ve got poetry at my fingertips, most of the time.  and this includes naps.

what they’re not ready for is guys like you and i, and nails, and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, vatican assassin warlocks. boom. print that, people.

i’m not thomas jefferson.  he was a pussy.

there’s my life. deal with it.  oh wait, can’t process it.  losers.  winning. buh-bye!

second recurring theme: violent military opposition to all the fools and trolls

at the head of that list, charlie puts chuck lorre, creator of his show two and a half men:  ”it’s nothing this side of deplorable that a certain chaim levine- yeah, that’s chuck’s real name- mistook this rockstar for his own selfish exit strategy, bro.  check it alex, i embarassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process.” for the record, chuck lorre’s legal birth name is actually charles levine.

last i checked, chaim, i’ve spent, i think, close to the last decade, i don’t know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. and the gratitude i get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.  clearly someone who believes he is above the law.  well, you’ve been warned, dude. bring it.

i’m an f18, bro.  i will destroy you in the air, and i will deploy my ordinants to the ground.

why give an interview when you can leave a warning?

i’m not fair game, i’m not a soft target.  it’s over.  there’s a new sherriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.

and people say, oh yeah, you’d better work through your resentments.  yeah, no, i’m going to hang on to them and they’re going to fuel my attack, and they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous, secret and silent soldiers, ’cause they’re all around you.  anyway.  thought you were just messin’ with one dude, sorry.  winning!

if you’re a part of my family, i will love you violently.  if you infiltrate and try to hurt my family, i will murder you violently.” alex: ”in the info war.”  ”in the info war. yes.

third recurring theme: the analogies between all facets of charlieness and every character in his father’s film apocalypse now, “save for that little weirdo with his guts strapped in begging for water.  that’s not me

he starts by semi-quoting col. kurtz: ”‘you have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me’. boom. that’s the whole movie.  that’s life.  there’s nobility in that.

and continues: ”there are parts of me that are dennis hopper, because my motto now is you either love,or you hate, and you  must do so violently.  and the reason you must violently is because- and you have to hate everybody that’s not in your family because they’re there to destroy your family and they will come at you in all forms and shapes.  and therefore there’s nothing in the middle.  i don’t live in the middle anymore.  that’s where you get slaughtered.  that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.  and it’s just not an option.

and shit i’m not even trying to classify:

speaking of marriage and the “goddesses” he surrounds himself with, “what we all have is a marriage of the heart.  to sully, to contaminate, to radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something i’ll leave to the amateurs and the bible grippers.

some of the goddesses in question:

porn star angelina tracy, one cause of charlie's third failed marriage

porn star kacey jordan, guest at charlie's "briefcase full of coke" party in january

it’s right there in the thing- duh, we work for the pope. we murder people.  we’re vatican assassins, how complicated can it be?

he goes on.  i’ll have a bonus post tommorrow: charlie sheen on addiction and aa.  you can also hear it for yourself at tmz.

but wait, folks, that’s not all.  later in the day at tmz, this gnarly gnarlington continued sharing his opinion of the creator of his sitcom (“stupid, stupid little man,” “pussy punk,” “piece of shit“), ultimately challenging him to a fight in the octagon.  at which point cbs announced that there will be no more two and half men this season.

charlie responded in a public letter sent to tmz: “clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what i would have done with my fire breathing fists. i urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

and the war analogies continued in his final interview of the day, when he proclaims that “defeat is not an option.

this is an internet joke landmine.  enjoy!

reining in a bit

after reading that last post over, it occurred to me that i was asking my readers to take on a huge chunk of my ramblings at one go.  no surprise to anyone, but i am super verbose.  in the future, i’m going to try to trim down the blog posts, and if i have just a ton to say, as i do about true blood, i will package it in single servings.

i’ll start with that last post, which is now a two-parter.  first part, main characters.  second part, everyone else (aka meanwhile, back in bon temps. . .)

 

but on to bon temps: JASON STACKHOUSE.  same laughable moron.  i did appreciate the introspective moments brought on by meeting the high school kid who’s going to break your record, but i’m not really sure what that added to the overall arc.  at least it showed that you are capable of insight.  and about your kitty: wow, did that get boring.  way too much build up about what crystal actually is, followed by way too little pay-out.  in any case, your new-found sense of responsibility & humanitarianism for that hotshot crowd piques my interest in you for next season, at least a little bit.

SAM MERLOTTE, you’re like a loaf of wonder bread that someone left on a french bakery’s shelves.  you just look boring and tasteless compared with your surroundings.  jewelry thieving, dog fighting, drinking binges, and regular old murder seem quaintly human next to ripping apart werewolf limbs with one’s teeth or pulling out spines on national TV.  and your family is just a stock pile of white trash stereotypes, plus a little shape shifting.  but even shape shifting is bland if you just use it to be lassie.

speaking of white trash, this show seems to be trying to outdo itself with every new group of southern stereotypes it brings in.  first the mickens, alcoholic, uneducated dogfighters who sit around their scummy living room in their underwear.  then the hotshot meth dealers, who are all of that plus inbreeding and scrawny, shoeless, unschooled children.  sorry, the brother-cousins were just a little too much for me.

LAFAYETTE, always a bright spot.  i am so glad you got a boyfriend!  but did the story arc have to take you to shamanism?  because that v-induced trip that you and jesus went on was a snoozer.  and i was kind of hoping we could have at least one interesting fully human character.  i know they have to figure out what to do with you since in the books you got killed off (and no one wants to see that happen), but your buddy moments with eric seemed more entertaining to me.

TARA, franklin, pyschopath that he was, was a welcome change from your usual depressed, fml pity parties.  indeed, your life does suck, but i am glad that the finale promised some forward movement on your part.

watch how fast i can type motherfucker

FRANKLIN, you added a lot to a lesser subplot.  you managed to reveal interesting sides of tara’s character, move her forward, and maintain a zany level of fucked up danger.  please, show me how fast you can text again!  that being said, i’m okay with you being gone.  if i have to pick my maniac vampires, i’ll go with russell.

ALCIDE, why are you here?  all you did this season was mope & whine about your ex and drive sookie around.  the show wasted a lot of hotness making you a sad sac chauffeur.  all the same, please don’t come back until you can better justify your presence in the show.

JESSICA, oh, how they underused you!  your character explores entirely different and intriguing aspects of being a vampire, and you lit up the few scenes you got.  though i’m guessing shacking up with hoyt isn’t going to work out picturesquely, it will probably explain more about the truth of human-vampire interaction than bill’s flashbacks ever could.

ARLENE & TERRY, i love you both.  the show thrives on your really strong support, and terry, you especially had some of the best lines of the season.  thanks for sharing about your armadillo.  and thanks for just being human.

that’s one thing that concerns me about this show- the truly human are disappearing fast.  sookie is a fairy now, lafayette is magic, sam shifts, and tara is driving off into the sunset.  even the sheriff is quitting on us.  further, they’re foreshadowing that arlene’s kid won’t be any kind of normal, and that holly is beyond wicca to full out witch.  which leaves us with jason, hoyt, terry, and andy.  the human/supernatural balance is out of whack, and i’m not sure if it’s good or bad that the show is losing some kind of normal to bounce off of.

 

we drink the true blood

one good thing about being sick is the ample time i spent laying on the couch.  it made it possible for me to be completely devoted to chowing down on true blood season 3.  i realize i’m about six months late for this discussion, but i’m always late.  so humor me.

let me say, i really, really love this show.  it’s over the top.  it’s chock-a-block full of hotness.  unlike other offerings in the current vampire craze, it remembers that these undead are supposed to be sexy danger.  true blood vamps never lose their edge.  and the southern gothic aesthetic sets just the right grim, grimy atmosphere to foster the kind of weird shit that goes down.  i could adore this show for its opening credits alone.  so when i offer any criticism here, realize that i have not found anything fatally flawed as of yet, and/or the positives far, far outweigh the negatives.

first off, BILL COMPTON.  you have not been truly sexy since season 1.  the reason is simple: you are only sexy when you accept your dark side.   i was glad to see that dark side resurface in season 3, and the face-off with the queen set up in the finale is promising for season 4.  so bill, please quit blaming lorena for every bad thing you do and get the hell away from sookie.  ”true love” does not cure vampire blood lust.

and SOOKIE.  sookie, sookie, sookie.  the show does a lot to make you seem like you’re doing something.  you run here, you run there, the occasional ball of light shoots from your hands.  but you’re basically a limp noodle whose main purpose is to look like hot vampire bait and make semi-sassy comments to elicit more interesting reactions from eric northman.

seriously, you are ridiculous.  your boyfriend nearly drains you to death, and you can’t even manage to stay broke up with him for a whole episode?  and as arlene’s baby reminds us, you’ve only known him for about 4 months, during which he’s lied and almost caused your death how many times exactly?  you’ve uninvited bill from your house so often that the gesture now has no punch whatsoever, even when he’s literally blown out the door.  please, no making up this time.  you are surrounded by hotness. take advantage so we can all live vicariously through you.

ERIC NORTHMAN, you are by far this show’s greatest regular asset.  also ass.  i find it totally interesting that after one thousand years the one motivation that makes you risk everything is rooted in your human life.  but the best thing is that while the show is busy humanizing you, your bad-assery flows on like a river of blood.  case in point: your feelings for sookie do not stop you from chaining her up in the basement.  and your final plan for russell? deviant.  though also the kind of mistake that supervillains make in comic books when they try to put an end to superheroes, or at least that’s my hope, because i really want that character back.  and i will forever thank you for making your progeny.  PAM, you tell it like it is, but wittier.  like when you called bill an infatuated tween.  so apropos!

let's face it, eating people is a tough sell these days

RUSSELL, VAMPIRE KING OF MISSISSIPPI, you are completely mad in a way that this show completely needed.  every scene you were in was golden.  when you interrupted the news cast on the vampire rights amendment to pull out the anchor’s spine, you singlehandedly created this season’s most memorable moment and challenged the show’s stupefying political conceits.  yours IS the true face of vampires, and i sincerely hope you can break out of that concrete block and come visit us in future seasons.

and a word on those political conceits: i have seen the rather superficial argument that true blood’s vampire rights movement is analagous to the lgbt rights movement.  um no.  being attracted to your own sex in no way parallels eating people.  vampires are not just another subculture; they are human predators.  every time sookie compares fear of vampires to racism, it rings empty. and also stupid.  to quote the vampire king of mississippi, they will eat you after they eat your children.  plus, they can fly, glamour your brains out, move super fast, and live forever.  so the humans on the show should definitely hold onto whatever protections they have.  i’m hoping in the future the show explores a little bit more about the “authority” and the motivations behind vampire rights, because if even nan flanagan, its spokeswoman, can’t restrict herself to the synthetic blood, there’s got to be some plot afoot.  and that’s a lot more interesting than listening to sookie preach.

state of the semester

it was not my intention to go awol here, but then that second job started.  and then the new semester.  and then i sleep-deprived myself into sickness.  now whatever ails me has moved into that final drainage stage, dripping in a long, slow, chinese snot torture down the back of my throat.  it’s actually an optimistic sign- i’ll be normal again in a day or so.

knowing that, i am turning my thoughts to divining what my new normal is, what with all these new developments to take into consideration.  as per usual, once school starts, i don’t have nearly the same brain space for fantasy and geek quests.  the personal horror self-education has been put on hold.  and of course, you’ve seen the effect this has on my blog.  however, i am still valiantly consuming movies at a rapid rate (whatever the university and local public libraries can supply free of charge), and i am committed to maintaining some level of pleasure reading AND writing throughout the semester.  though those will probably be more along the lines of disposable genre fic and blog posts rather than anything substantial.  but, hopefully i can keep the brain high enough above the oncoming tidal wave to have some breathing room, and thereby avoid that mental drowning that leaves me compulsively re-viewing criminal minds, courtesy of the internets.  that’s how i usually end semesters- zombified before spencer reid.

anyways, i’ve got some ideas for upcoming posts.  update on new year’s resolutions, maybe.  and i’ve been thinking that i should write more on education in general and the grad skool experience in particular.  i will skip the customary valentine’s rant post, even though it seems like in or out of relationships, i never get a good one no matter how low-maintenance i try to be about it, and curses to the greeting card companies that created this emotional catch 22 that will haunt me every february.  i mean seriously, what an ignoramous holiday to put in the middle of a month that’s already just plain exasperating.  but that’s all the more i’ll say about that.

and finally, since i know everyone is just tipping on their toes about this, here’s the update on my previous blog stats test balloon: hypothesis proven FALSE.  apparently seth rogen et al.’s names and pics are not enough to generate increased blog traffic.  it’s still the triumphant jay baruchel who reigns as this blog’s siren song to cyberspace.  i am surprised at the internet’s good taste in this matter (though no offense to jay b, but i suspect there’s some kind of behind-the-scenes internettery that accounts for this, and i’m just not savvy enough to capitalize on it).

so if i said volume one on the first post, then i’m kind of obligated to write volume two, right?  but no worries- i’m much calmer now.

the whole time i was screaming at cyberspace in my last politics post, there was this little wriggle in the back of my mind, this growing awareness that i was being played like a two-string fiddle.  that kind of reaction- gut spewing ire- is exactly what the politicians involved were hoping for, one way or another.  being able to play on emotions is what puts them in office and keep them there, and that’s pretty much all our politics revolves around.

any glance beyond the immediate issue confirms this:  david williams, kentucky’s state senate majority leader, is running for governor this year.  so the first thing he does to kick off the 2011 legislature is pass righty-right bills on immigration and abortion.  so everyone gets all chest-thumping mad (myself included, the not in the way williams would want).  you could say that he’s just trying to pass bills he believes in, and maybe there’s some truth to that.  but i’m not inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, because the reality is this:  unlike the senate, the kentucky is house has a democratic majority, and the governor is also donkeyfied.  so anyone with two bits of political acumen knows that neither of those bills is going to get very far.  bringing them up, especially angled this way and at this time, is not going to result in actual legislation.  just chest-thumping and media attention.

this happens all the time and we all know it.  we can see it at the national level- the republican-controlled house trying to repeal health care reform.  we all know that they do not have strong enough numbers in the senate to hold that up, and furthermore, the democratic president who has waved the bill around as one of his main accomplishments is certainly not going to sign its reversal.  so seriously, what are they doing there?

and these are just current examples.  our legislative bodies spend huge amounts of time pretending to legislate without actually doing it.  and we get rolled away by giant emotional drifts, so much so that we too are deluded into thinking these things really matter (and the individual issues really do matter, but the way they are brought up makes it clear that the issues themselves are not at play, since this dicking around does not result in actual law).  and as per usual, the media is complicit in the great distraction.

obviously, i get my buttons pressed as much as the next person.  i do really care about debating these issues, and about how the laws fall out around them.  i just wish we were all a little better at not only knowing when we’re being played, but being able to also step back and refuse to engage under those terms.  it’s really not too much to ask that the legislature spend more time legislating, that the government be more concerned with governing, than manipulating the citizenry.

but i guess equally obviously, i am a little idealistic.

so after looking at the blog stats that wordpress so helpfully provides, i’ve discovered something really interesting: the jay baruchel post garners the most traffic, far and away.  just using his name makes it pop up on search engines with frequency.  my regular readership is less than five, most from facebook friends clicking my link.  but jay?  he brings in people from out in the unknown web world.

that kind of cracks me up.

so obviously my direction is clear here: more posts about famous people.  i don’t think it’s even really connected to content- just the names in the title and maybe a pic.  the first test balloon of this that i’m sending out into webspace is more of the ol’ apatow gang, since it seems logical enough.

here’s some photos for good measure:

the late, great "freaks & geeks", a cultural icon that i actually caught its first time around

i stole someone's wallpaper!

because it's funny.

all right blog stats:  i’ll be watching you!

hot-button political issues: everyone has one.  most people care about a lot of different issues, but there is always that one, maybe two, that you can feel in every part of the body, that tenses every cell when the other side does something fantastically wrong-headed.  even the most quakerly pacifist is left wanting to bust something up, preferably one of those wrong-headed noggins.

your belated warning: my political volcanos are education and immigration.

and today, it’s immigration that’s going off, because i just learned about the kentucky senate’s passage of an arizona-style immigration law (a bit late, i know, but i’m not currently in residence).  now, it’s not law yet- still has to pass the house, be signed by the guv, etc.  but holy goddamn i am worked up.  this is just wrong in so many ways.  and you know, because this is my volcano, and this is my blog, and blogs were made for ranting, that i am going to enumerate the wrongness for you, with strong language and hyperbole.

WRONGNESS PART ONE: the united statesian system of government

the united statesian system of government is based on our constitution.  article 1, section 8 of said constitution gives to the federal government the power to “establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization”.  the supreme court has since ruled that regulating naturalization encompasses regulating all immigration.  i reference the informative website Things That Are Not In the U.S. Constitution: just because the constitution lacks the word immigration does not mean that it lacks the concept of immigration.  therefore, states that usurp this power are, in fact, radically challenging the constitution itself.  and we don’t even have to get into the sticky mess of how this completely undermines the concept of “innocent until proven guilty”.

WRONGNESS PART TWO: kentucky is not arizona

arizona has(had) the sixth largest estimated population of undocumented workers, with the last known counts putting it around 300,000 (pre-stupid ass law).  kentucky clocks in at 37th, with about 15,000.  we are not on the same scale.  we do not have the same problems, so we do not need the same “remedies”.

part two sub clause:  arizona is batshit.  do you really want to import that kind of political rage and division?  over a law that has not yet been proven to stand up in court (and most likely won’t be, given the way it violates the constitution)?  why on earth would anyone want to be like arizona right now?

WRONGNESS PART THREE: what, kentucky is fucking rich all of a sudden?

two facts (& two herald leader pieces): first, one of our major industries, horses, depends on immigrant labor.  it’s a tough job, and capable, native united statesians are just not showing up for it.  the type of visa available to this kind of agricultural laborer is capped at 66,000 for the entire nation.  trainers who are willing to wade through the expensive, labrynthine process to get visas for their workers are finding that there’s just not enough to go around.  and last year, when the racing commission tried to tighten up licensing standards for track workers, the impact was immediate: out-of-state trainers avoided keeneland’s spring meet.  their business just doesn’t work without a reliable labor supply.  taking that away means that their business won’t work in kentucky.  so let’s not shoot the industry in the foot (again, after already shooting down expanded gambling).

second, implementing this law ain’t gonna be cheap.  all of sudden, thousands of people will be imprisoned for the crime of being in kentucky.  if convicted, each one will cost us between ten and four hundred thousand dollars a year to keep locked up.  and that’s not counting the costs of going through the process.  so unless david williams can pull some magic revenue source out of his ass (maybe his sphincter can pinch coal tight enough to make a diamond?  let’s try it!), that’s money we could better spend elsewhere.  like on actual kentuckians.

WRONGESS PART FOUR: what, exactly, does illegal look like?

what would lead you to expect a person was here illegally?  because let me tell you, i have met a number of people without papers.  they are not always who you expect.  their accent or level of english doesn’t tell you, because that will include a lot of naturalized citizens (who are *fully* united statesian), legal immigrants, and some natives.  and yes, many without papers do learn to speak english well.  their skin color won’t tell you, especially if you assume it’s always brown- that’s a wide net that pulls in latino citizens, native americans, and citizens of indian/arab/x/combination descent.  and news flash: a sizable minority of undocumented immigrants are asian, and there are even some africans and europeans in the mix, all of whom your racial profile just missed.

if someone could just enlighten me as to how, in a brief interaction, one could be alerted to another’s documentation status, it would be a lot easier to believe this wasn’t a load of bigoted bullshit masquerading as law enforcement.  i am so waiting for the lawsuit when one of our newly-minted arizona immigration enforcers pulls over a native american and asks for his papers.

WRONGNESS PART FIVE (Wider Scope A): go read real fucking history so we can stop repeating it already

does this sound familiar?  unless we stop them from coming here, “they will soon so out number us, that all the advantages we have will not in my opinion be able to preserve our language, and even our government will become precarious.”

or how about the idea that all these immigrants are just “multiplying tumults and violence, filling our prisons, and crowding our poor-houses, and quadrupling our taxation“?  maybe we should “build a wall of brass around the country“.  because “after all we built up this country and then we allow a lot of foreigners. . . to come and run it for us“.

Standing behind them are Christian employers of this land, who would rather import heathen willing to work for barely enough to sustain life than retain a brother Christian at a wage sufficient to live.

It simply amounts to unrestricted and indiscriminate dumping into this country of people of every character and description.

all those same ideas are floating around today, but the words themselves are much older. the first quote was ol’ ben franklin himself, back in the 1750s.  but he was talking about the germans (and how many of us white folks can trace back to those kraut eaters? how the hell did the nation survive?)

the second quote was lyman beecher, talking about english immigrants in 1834.  the third, john jay, first chief justice of the supreme court, 1750s.  he was worried about the “catholic alien invaders,” which sounds way cooler than plain old germans and irish.  jay would be glad to know that we’ve finally taken up his ridunculous idea, and we’ve got a helluva lot more than brass these days!

the fourth quote came from novelist john dos passos- he was talking about the polish, whom he regarded as the “scum of Europe.”  the fifth is terence powderly, a 1892 labor leader.  the heathens he was addressing were the chinese.

the last quote is from a 1920 congressional hearing.  this is the second part: “If there were in existence a ship that could hold three million human beings, then three million Jews of Poland would board to escape to America.”  and three million less suffering the holocaust.

germans, english, catholics, irish, polish, chinese, jews, and now mexicans, or anyone who looks vaguely latino.  the trend is pretty obvious: another wave of immigration.  people get nervous because “they’re not like us.”  and then the fear, that time-honored political lever.  extra points if it’s an economic downturn.  before you know it, we’re discriminating, rioting, sterilizing women, passing idiot laws, depending on the decade.  all the while we guiltlessly reap the full benefit of said immigrants by exploiting the hell out of them.

every time, the fear has been the same: they will destroy our way of life because they are different.  every time, it was proven wrong.  our ancestors learned english, got jobs, raised families, and both learned how to be united statesian while simultaneously changing what it means to be united statesian.  and the country grew, healthy and strong.

immigration is not really a problem in this country.  actually, it is part of our national dream and character.  it has enriched us immeasurably.  xenophobia, on the other hand, plagues us like white on WASP.  it consistently makes us do things that shame future generations.  anyone particularly proud of all those folks who refused to hire irish workers?  the sweatshop working conditions that immigrants faced one hundred years ago?  or what about the eugenicists who sterilized poor immigrants and turned jews back to germany?  those japanese internment camps during wwii make anyone want to wave a flag?  do we really want to keep adding to this list?

WRONGNESS PART SIX (Wider Scope B): right and wrong exist, goddammit

whatever you want to argue about a nation’s need to protect its borders or enforce its laws, the bottom line is this:  because of the way we do things, an entire group of human beings have second-class lives in this country.  they work and yes, they pay taxes and social security, without being able to enjoy the benefits.  they do not have equal access to health care, higher education, personal safety, or the protections of the law.  even if they are the victims of a crime, they cannot seek justice because interacting with any official could jeopardize their livelihoods and separate them from their families.  they often face subpar working conditions and unfair wages.  employers can pretty much make an undocumented worker do whatever because their legal status means they have no protection.  they do not have options because there is very little fucking way to get papers right now.

if they are apprehended by immigration, “due process” just doesn’t apply.  they can be held for months, even years, without judicial review- jailed without justice, according to the amnesty international report that gathered this info.  two thirds of these detention facilities are contracted out, and there is no system of oversight for cases of abuse and neglect.  the use of excessive restraints (handcuffs, belly chains, leg restraints) is common.  their medical care is often delayed and/or denied.  84% are unable to access the legal assistance necessary for presenting a viable claim in court.

you can say they don’t deserve those rights because they are not from this country, and i say that is im-fucking-moral.  these rights are endowed by the creator to all, and that idea is, or at least should be, basic to who we are as united statesians, and who we are as humans.

moving to another place for better access to resources is a fundamental part of the human story.  it’s why we’re not all living in africa.  it’s why the native americans’ ancestors crossed the land bridge from (what would become) russia.  it’s why white people ended up on this continent it all.  it’s why most of the ancestors of us white folks got on the boat to begin with.  nobody started asking us for papers until what, about one hundred twenty, one hundred thirty years ago?  i’m approximating.

rationalize it whichever way makes you feel smug enough, but human beings should not be treated like this.  it is just not right.

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